keirren

Dear Keirren2010,

My year began with people, close to my heart greeted me a red-letter day. One of them I didn’t expect to remember or maybe t’was just coincidence when he sent me a message. “Kumusta?” a simple word that I don’t why it sends shivers to my soul at that time. I concluded, yet early enough that I thought it was the start of something good. Turned to be the opposite of what I concluded.

February came in swiftly, making it the first year of me and my Kirsten together. As the days passed by, I was still expecting that maybe, just maybe things will fall i its places, but February didn’t gave me what I wanted.

March sensed I was a lil bit more than enthusiastic to find a better job outside the country to find escape. I fell n love with the thought of working in Norway. But still I couldn’t wait for long, i badly really needed to escape. Escape from the place that reminds me of the people I once loved and cared of, escape from the people who constantly asked questions about us and him. Why can’t these people stay quiet and just try to understand the commotions inside me I coudn’t even hardly bear. That up to now, only a number of people can decode.

April and May started to be better thru constant exchanged of messages but in the end, it didn’t happen though. I saw myself losing in my own battles, and it was just not me. I fought so hard for what I had, maybe it wasn’t enough but swear! of how much I wanted to work things out, to make things lighter but to no avail…maybe he doesnt really even cared.

June came in as a surprise of opening doors for me to work abroad. I grabbed it at once. In July I started getting busy with my papers and keeping it a secret to some of my friends for the “shock factor” then filing my irrevocable resignation letter. I gotta leave, even if it means leaving Kian behind and not seeing her grow up day by day, and also in that month that we texted the last.

I spent the first week of August with my family and the second week with my co-staffs at The Medical City. It’s hard to let go of the places and faces you see everyday and even of the thought of “he was here before, we’re here before”. On my last day of duty, I laughed and cried with the people that stood by me as if it was my last. For everything will never be the same again. REAL people who knew me all along, it was so final and I will miss them so badly. I passed by the chapel where I always ran into whenever I have some conflicts to solve, even for signs to ask, favors, recurrent complaining and bargaining and for the last time I bargained… That even for a minute, if he’ll let me feel him once again. I closed my eyes for a minute and I felt for him. Why do we cling to memories? It’s because it’s the only good thing you got when everything you once had left. On the 15th, I have to go and let go. I was new to this place and i know what to expect, but I was wrong. People seemed to be nice at first, but changes in time. I was a loner as always. So I thought I can manage being alone.

My first and second month sailed smoothly. I made friends easily, bearing in mind not to trust anyone too much. At first I kept them from knowing my real identity but as time passed by i couldn’t keep to myself my feelings of missing my daughter, and my family. I almost cried every night thinking of my little one wondring where her mommy was. I can imagine her sleeping so innocently in my mother’s arms, unaware of what I’m going through for the love of her. Everyone was shocked when they found out I have a child, they said I was too young.

Sometime in October, I went out with friends and meet some people that I didn’t expected to shake my life. There are still moments when I’m alone and still think of the what might have been’s and I know that I could never be romatically inclined with somrbody…still.

November starts to bore with the routine flat-hospital settings. I figured out that I’ve been working so hard lately and I needed to get a life.

So for December I chose to be happy not minding that in time it could mean, getting hurt again. But January was a hard one, confrontations,snob fights,territorial syndrome, and ugly people digging my life crossed my path making me realize not to trust people too much. I became aloof and isolated myself from them. But they misunderstood my silence.

So for this month when I turn older but better Keirren, learn to love your enemies, learn the art of letting go, love what you have and not to look for the things that supposedly should be there but they choose not to, be more flexible and learn to accept criticisms positively, know your worth and even if the world is against you, please don’t break apart, lil Kian is waiting for you. Keep your doors closed but leave the windows open. Stay away from my mistakes I did during the past years. Always make your words soft, just in case you have to swallow it. Live with love, love life!

Keirren2009

I was looking at the mirror and came to observed my eyes. You see my eyes are the strongest determinator of how I was feeling. Sad to say their still gloomy as they appear to be. Certain individuals, scenario, thoughts, I believe can bring back its lost luster. It’s not that I’m not congenial of what I have right now, BUT, I just feel so empty, I feel so alone. His Love still remains, and it may never fade away.

Such as a strong title isn’t it? If not, maybe a bit. While I was
growing up, I had never really come across to recognizing what my
deepest fear was. But I always knew that I’m afraid of getting rejected
and consequently, being dejected and isolated. That’s probably the
reason why I was always nice to people. And when I work, I always
wanted things to turn out as perfect as they could be. I always wanted
people to like me, be proud of me, see how great I am. I’ve also wanted
to show them that they could not just push me around.

But then of course, as I grow older (like most of us do), I realized
that rejection, dejection and occassional isolation is inevitable (like
the most of us have). They grow irrelevant as time passes; but not
necessarily disappear. New, deeper fears just begin to pile up. They
may show us different faces like death or breaking up with someone
special; but ultimately, it’s all about the fear of losing or sometimes
the inability to give adequately.

Fearing is painful. But its realization would hurt a lot less than
the unforgiveness of the consequences of giving in to one’s fears.

Innocence is lovely.
Innocence is attractive.
Gravity is beguiling,
Sweetness is overwhelming,
No one dares to dream of it,
To get hold of its whiff.
They could only look back.
Now envy is all that is left,
But anger is more convenient.
Things will never be the same again;
No one just can have it twice.

What’s the most loving thing to do, to say, to be?